Rachel's Inferno
by Electra Medea Yablonski
Summary: In which an atheist gets sent to Hell and manages to talk her way out of it.


RACHEL'S INFERNO  
  
Chapter One  
  
Dead, Damned, Saved, Bored, and Outta Here  
  
I used to be a good girl, didn't kiss, smoke or booze I was smart enough to know I'd win if I played by the rules But I never went to church, oh, no, it's true but it's odd Cause I did not believe in the Judeo-Christian god  
  
My mama was a Catholic, her parents were too But that religion told me "We don't need the likes of you" I used to go to Sunday school, but caused a revolution When I told the nice nun that I believed in evolution  
  
So I didn't go with mama, just stayed home on Sunday I read and did my homework while she went on her way During the afternoon, I went for a short bike ride But a Mack truck crashed into me and of course I died  
  
Now I went up to heaven, strolled through those pearly gates Saint Peter tapped me on the shoulder said "Hon, you gotta wait Baby, hate to tell you, but you're not on my list So you'll go on down to Hell because you're an atheist"  
  
I stamped my foot and crossed my arms, and I shook my head Said "Look, you can't push me around just cause I'm dead" Saint Peter told me "If you want, you can have a trial To see if you'll go down to Hell or stay here with a smile"  
  
He cried, "I call on Satan's lawyer, Dr. Johannes Faust Come and defend this girl so her soul will not be lost" So Dr. Faust appeared there in a cloud of red smoke He told me "Sorry honey, but your contract is broke  
  
As soon as you rejected God, you let Heaven go" I told him "I bet you said the same thing to Galileo" Saint Peter shrugged "The verdict's in, I'm sorry to tell But it seems to me that you are going straight to hell"  
  
Saint Peter called some demons up to escort me to Satan But they didn't come for hours, and we just got bored waitin' So I said, "You know, I just haven't lived my life to the whole And I'll do darn near anything if I can save my soul  
  
While we're waiting for the demons, let's play a game of chess A friendly match, just so we can see who is best The only catch is if I win, I get to stay up here But if I lose, I'll go to Hell, willingly and with cheer"  
  
Saint Peter said, "It's better than just sitting here all day" So an angel brought a chessboard and we began to play Saint Peter said, "Let me warn you; my playing's first-rate" And while he was boasting, I said, "I just got checkmate"  
  
I jumped out of my chair and I giggled with glee Then Thomas came and said, "You should play best out of three" I won those too, and Peter said, "Well, then you can go "I myself will deliver you from that down below"  
  
And so I stayed in heaven for most of the decade But there was no one there that was smarter than second grade I called up Saint Peter again, and said, "This ain't worth a fart Why isn't there anyone here who happens to be smart?"  
  
Peter told me, "I know it's a pain But if you've got Jesus, honey, you don't need a brain The world is full of troubles; Jesus takes them away Instead of doing math, it's easier just to pray"  
  
I handed in my wings and halo, and I set out My feet were soon hurting, and my head was full of doubt I sat down on a cloudbank, and said, "I've learned what I should I guess for me, Heaven just ain't any good"  
  
"It's not Heaven at all, these people without a mind After you die, I guess you should be with your own kind" An angel came before me and said, "Now you've learned your lesson God's plan is not something that you should be second-guessin'  
  
"And now, O darling child, why don't you come with me Because there is something that I want you to see The last person we showed this to was a poet named Dante" Said the angel as he walked with me along the Milky Way  
  
"You're very lucky, honey, this I can tell You're going to take a tour and see Heaven and Hell And I really think you'll just love who's along for the ride Because, in the next chapter, you will meet your tour guide!"  
  
Devil without a cause or clue Take it from me cause I've been there too All you can do is rebel So you can climb up from the deepest pits of Hell 


End file.
